sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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