Yo dont text me then not text me
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
