Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
