My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
