my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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