WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
