and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
