I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize