it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
