i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Less talking, more tequila
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
