just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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