apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
