I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
worst night to have a conscience
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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