If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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