I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize