literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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