someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Someone shit on the floor
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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