does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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