I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
