when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
