Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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