she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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