I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
