My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
