Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
