Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
