I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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