New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize