i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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