she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
