EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
