Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
