How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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