my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
