Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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