woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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