Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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