Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
