I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
soo... how was my night?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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