is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
