I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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