The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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