Four minutes until I can fart!
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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