Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
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