I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
