I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Green mimosas i think yes
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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