Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
