my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
