the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
