you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The Olympian is in my bed
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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