omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
