Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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