Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
