I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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