just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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