Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
