So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
