Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
